Improve Your Sperm’s Integrity!
I got a spam today that promised to improve my sperm’s integrity! It caught my attention. Being a male, I have spent way too many hours thinking about sperm over the years, but I had never looked at it in terms of having integrity.
I couldn’t get this message off my mind. I kept conjuring up this scenario:
, In the body of a 20-year-old healthy male, deep down in the House of Jewels, the sperm population, known around town as the Sperm Count, got the news about improving integrity. Larry, a sperm activist who keeps up with the news, called everyone together.
“Listen guys! There’s a movement out there to improve our integrity. I think we’ve got to take this seriously.”
“What’s integrity?” Someone asked. The rest of the group, composed of thousands of young sperms with only one thing on their minds, began mumbling in the same confused tone.
When thousands of sperm mumble, the House of Jewels rocks.
“Quiet down!” Larry yelled. “For your information, integrity is . . .uh. . .hmm. . .” Wait a minute.” He swam down past the Sperm Bank and entered the Sperm Bookstore. He checked a dictionary and returned. “Integrity,” He announced, “is adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.” He flipped his tail with an air of sticky authority. “So there!”
Zack, an old sperm who had escaped the missions that millions of sperm had been sent on over the years, raised his tail. “Sperm don’t have integrity,” he said. “A sperm’s main goalis to get sucked up that long tube above us, get shot into another tube, then swim your ass off to try to hit the egg. You do it by any means possible. There ain’t any rules. Your job is to crack the egg or die trying. If we adhered to morals or ethical principles, there wouldn’t be any human race left. ”
Nate, a younger but equally cynical sperm nodded. “Yeah, that’s the general goal. Besides, this dude we’re housed in sends out a new army everyday and 99 percent of them wind up nowhere close to an egg. What’s the incentive to have integrity? We’re useless pawns in a cataclysmic play created by a mindless sex machine! I don’t want any part of it. I’m for survival over integrity.”
Larry was not discouraged. “Men. . .or half men . . .” He stopped, looked at Zack and turned the tables on him. “Zack is right. Our mission is to hit the egg. Do you understand what that means?” He paused dramatically. “Our mission is the creation of life!” There was a sudden silence. “Yes, when one of us – one out of tens of thousands – cracks the egg, we create life! We are gods! “ He stopped and looked around at the thousands of squiggling tails. He had their attention. “When we crack the egg and create life, we are god like. No one else can do what we do. We must have integrity.”
He studied his audience and knew he had lost them again. The thousands of sperm swam slowly and confused in their creamy gelatinous liquid. They were too young. They just didn’t get it. They had just one thing on their minds and that was the almighty egg. They were born fighters.
“Save your stuff, Larry,” Zack said. “These sperm aren’t even 24 hours old. Think about what I’m saying, here. The army before them were barely here a day. As soon as we’re manufactured, this maniac sends them flying. Look,” he said reassuringly, “Just swim about and accept your place in the world. You’re in a testicle, for god’s sakes. You’re going to shoot out of here in a matter of hours. Pray that your troops will be the ones that actually fly into a real tube with an egg at the end of it.
“Give it your best fight. Swim with everything you’ve got and hit that egg. If you don’t get it, well, you gave it your all.”
There was a silence. Even young sperms understand logic when they hear it. “That’s all there is Larry” Zack said. “Live for the day, and believe me, in this testicle, that’s all you’ve got. Live for the moment and shoot with pride. After that, it’s out of your hands.”
“And most likely into his,” cynical Nate said.
Suddenly there was a tension. All the sperms felt it. The House of Jewels was heating up. The sperms rushed and swam and though they’d never experienced it, they knew that this was it. This was the big moment. There was an air of excitement, anticipation, and a little fear of the big unknown.
Nate shook his tail. Things were heating up too fast. If there was a womb involved, the womb’s owner would be making House of Jewels Man slow down. No, this was a solo mission and he knew what that meant. Thousands and thousands of well-meaning sperm were going to find themselves careening into the open air and crashing into a Kleenex.
Another sad case of friendly fire.
But, he thought, what are you going to do? How do you fight nature? There was electric in the room. The tension was building fast. The sperm were silent. It was going to happen any second—
Whoosh! Off they went in a hot, creamy rush! A climactic end that repeated itself everyday.
When things calmed down and the temperature lowered back to normal, Nate looked at Zack. “Well, old Larry’s gone with the rest of them. Where do you think integrity got him?”
Zack nodded quietly. “Right. When you’re talking sex, nothing else matters.”
He turned over and wiggled slowly. “Better get some rest before the second coming.”