The Perfect Song Blog

I had a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for MacDonald’s so I drove down for a quick lunch, thinking—no.

Strike that! If I’d been thinking I wouldn’t be doing this.

My cheapness anaesthetized common sense.

As I paid for my two quarter pounders, I heard a child crying in a booth behind me. MacDonalds restaurants are open places where sounds tend to travel, bounce off walls and slam into themselves again.

That’s what was happening with this girl who, by the time I found a seat, had graduated from crying to wailing. She was into serious wailing, the kind that begins with a scream and trails off with an equally loud “ahh-ha-ha-ha.” The wail lasts until the little urchin is totally out of breath. Then she sucks in another round of air and proceeds into a repeat performance.

Sitting there with a quarter pounder that is not going down well and her sobbing wails as background music, I concluded with no doubt that there are pockets of Hell on earth and I was sitting in one.

In a perfect world, I would find the manager and ask her for a roll of duct tape. Everyone carries duct tape, even astronauts. I would go over to the young mother, and through the screams say:

“Ma’am, I would strongly recommend that you tear off a six inch strip of this duct tape and apply it to the kid’s mouth. Try not to put it on her cheeks which are soaked with tears. The tape won’t hold as well.

“If she tries to take it off, tape her hands to the table. This will keep her firmly in place and silent while you finish your lunch.

“All of us diners will very much appreciate your action as we finish our MacDonald’s meals which, if eaten for a long enough period, will shorten our lives. I would further suggest, for your own peace that after you leave, you keep the tape on this out-of-control screaming machine. In a couple hours take it off long enough to water her, then reapply it. I don’t know how long it will take to train her and I don’t want to know. In fact I never want to see or hear this kid again. Thank you, ma’am for making this fast food venture just a hair more pleasant. Here’s your tape, compliments of the manager.”

I would then return to my quarter pounder to the applause of 52 other MacDonald junkies.

But it isn’t a perfect world and I finished my burger, composed of at least seven different cows from different parts of the western hemisphere and blended to oatmeal consistency except for the occasional bits of gristle. The kid continued screaming.

I’ll probably use another buy-one-get-one free coupon but the next time I know what I’ll do to guarantee a better experience.

I’ll order at the drive through on a bitterly cold day, find a pile of barbed wire and sit naked on it while I eat in silence.