The Perfect Song Blog

To make things easier for my mother-in-law, Leigh bought one of those plastic contraptions that raises the toilet seat by six inches. I warn you now, this is definitely PG-13 if you don’t like potty talk, because I’m talking about real potties.
Anyway, I didn’t think much about the raised toilet until I had to go.
There are several steps in the male peeing process. Males are familiar with the process so you can skip this section, unless you want a refresher for whatever reason.
The first step, of course, is unzipping the fly.
Step two is the release of the member followed by the actual peeing (step 3), then the little shake to be rid of excess droplets (#4). Next is hauling back in and zipping up. Men usually don’t think about all the steps because with so much practice it becomes a pretty fluid process, as it were.
Now, suddenly, I found myself confronting a seat with a small hole and six inch high walls. As I stood there studying the situation, it became clear that I was about to shoot from an approximately 30 degree angle which meant I would hit the sides and subsequently catch the devil from my wife. So I found myself straddling the damned thing and aiming straight down.
To aim straight down, one has to bend forward.
This is not easy.
I was holding on with both hands for maximum security on a vertical shot for the first time in my life.
It’s now or never I thought.
I went.
I failed.
I hit the side.
I stood there, still straddling the toilet realizing I had to go to step four. There is no way to shake it without hitting the sides and the top. I shook it just a little– and proceeded to hit the sides and the top.
I cleaned the seat and studied it from various angles. I sat down at the computer and developed various charts involving angles, heights, trajectory and even velocity. I concluded there was no way to succeed with step four. Shaking, no matter how you do it, creates random patterns. It’s simple physics.
From that day I avoided the bathroom with the raised seat. When I have to go I trudge upstairs, or make a trip downstairs. Or I just wait until I’m outside. Fortunately we live in the woods.
Now, when I call the dogs and say “Let’s go out and go pee-pee,” the pack includes Tyler, Tristan, Zeus. . . and me.